chock full o' sammy

sometimes i get so full of myself that i just want to throw up. seriously. maybe it was seminary (where, incidentally, i was lucky just to be in the same room w/ most of the students, much less actually understand half of what they were talking about); maybe it's paranoia induced by being in a church that's so rife w/ discord ; maybe it's just fear. whatever "it" is, however, i have tended of late to take unto myself the mantle of "the great defender of orthodoxy," and not only is it an unflattering job, i suck @ it.

take tonight, for example. an ordinary night @ ye olde booke club(be), just hanging out and talking about ben sherwood's the life and death of charlie st. cloud. given the topic of discussion (a book i wouldn't necessarily recommend, but it's interesting in its own way), the subject of theology came up. eschatology, rather. either way, i'm afraid i may have offended a friend who opined that heaven is this way or that way, and i blurted some blanket statement about religion (that's probably not really true, now that i think about it) b/c . . . well, b/c that's what i do. "hi, i'm sammy -- please allow me to blurt on you." i assure you that i intend to apologize on the morrow, but upon reflection, what on earth did i think i was doing? it's not my job to be the defender of the faith, @ least not @ a freakin' book club! i'm not inclined nor especially equipped to render unequivocal answers to every question about god, metaphysics, epistemology, what have you. so i should have kept my mouth shut and just loved my friend. if, in time, our relationship develops to the point where we discuss theology, et cetera, and the spirit gives me something to say that is important and truthful, well then i can talk, humbly and sincerely and honestly. until such time, why can't i just be who i am, admit my lack of definitive answers (maybe that's why i'm always so quick to defend god, as if he needs defending from a peon (peon? is that spelled right?) like me) and love my friend? that's what i should've done, anyway, and i hope she'll forgive me tomorrow.