smarty jones

the topic of today's interoffice debate: whether we want smarty jones to win the belmont stakes tomorrow, thereby becoming the first triple-crown winner since affirmed in '79. the players: me 'n willie sue, the latter being in favor of said achievement, the former opposed. why? you ask. well, i think it's the name. "smarty jones." it's completely devoid of gravitas. who gives a race horse a first name that sounds like a candy and a cognomen that's so ubiquitous it prompts inane jokes. for instance (this joke is only told by joneses): "you know, adam and eve were named 'jones,' but whenever somebody sinned god changed their name." see? inane, pedestrian, vacuous. smarty jones, my fanny. a true thoroughbred needs a moniker that packs a wallop. your citations, secretariats, affirmeds (who can hear that name w/o thinking of alydar?), war admirals -- those were real horses. even war emblem, funny cide or spectacular bid (my particular favorite nom de neigh, save for secretariat), all horses who won the first two legs but lost @ belmont, have names that conjure up thundering hooves and mud and "down the stretch they come . . . !" "smarty jones" sounds like a second-class putdown for the bespectacled and slightly malodorous girl in 3rd grade who knew all the answers to the geography questions. but, then again, maybe it's just me. i don't like west coast sports franchises (the country progressed east to west, so the lefties can't have as much tradition as our side, can they?); i couldn't stand to see a mike fratello-coached team win an nba championship b/c he's too short; no team w/ less than 15 years under its belt should ever get world series rings (that means you, d'backs and marlins, the latter doubly so) b/c their fans haven't suffered enough yet (did i mention i'm a red sox/cubs fan?). and so it goes, here in the office of the undersigned (supported by your tax dollars, no less). when i win the debate, as i undoubtedly will, rest assured that i shall gloat and prance about. "smarty jones." thhppppftphtttt!